Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
