she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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