Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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