Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
