There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
