connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
