Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I did not marry a roomba.
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