Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Randomize
