Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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