Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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