She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
