you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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