Im at strip club and am horny
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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