If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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