Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm like, not good at living.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
