i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
