I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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