The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
