i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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