Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
