addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
