Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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