farters have to be the big spoon...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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