I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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