I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
