Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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