if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
