Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
