I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
