I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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