I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
