was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
