he puts the penis in happiness.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
