Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
