I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
