that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
