I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
