She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Randomize