My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
