you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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