Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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