I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
