farters have to be the big spoon...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
