my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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