The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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