We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
