I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
