Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
