it was like having sex with a tree stump
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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