i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
