____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
